Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
