I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
