i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
