i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
