OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
