He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
