Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
