but the lizard people decide everything anyway
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
