there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
