when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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