No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
