After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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