I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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