On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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