Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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