I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
