I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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