Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize