Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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