I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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