I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
