onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
