i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
