Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
