I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize