oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she peed on how many people?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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