She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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