Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
