I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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