whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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