Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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