Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
