I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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