I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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