Bisexual people are plain selfish.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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