the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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