i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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