I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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