the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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