I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
