my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
