I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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