Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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