he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
