I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
