and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He passed out mid-signature
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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