You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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