My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
