I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
