i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
