The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
