make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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