I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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