Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
