Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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