Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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