the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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