Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
