Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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