Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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