I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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