??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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