maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
