I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
