I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize