planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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