Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
